Chain of Custody's Weak Link

As clearly as if it was yesterday, my first experience with drug testing is still etched in my memory. And not only because I had to use the women's restroom.

The independent lab where I had to, um, provide a sample was having problems in the men's room. A female lab tech took me to the women's room, opened a stall, poured some dye into the toilet bowl, and then handed me a cup.

I'm not going to replay all of her instructions, but she was quite adamant about the "chain of custody." After providing my sample, I had to seal the cup, initial the seal. hand the sealed cup to her (after exiting the stall) so she could put the cup in a bag. I then had to seal the bag and we both initialed the bag.

In the drug testing world, chain of custody is a pretty big deal. They made sure there were no weak liks in the chain. And this was back in 1988.

So when I heard that Ryan Braun of the Major League Baseball's Milwaukee Brewers got his substance abuse suspension overturned because of sloppy chain of custody, I chuckled. Then I looked up the details.

Instead of operating its own testing labs, Major League Baseball contracts with a lab in Montreal. Instead of maintaining a staff responsible for collecting samples at ballparks and getting them securely to Montreal, Major League Baseball ships the samples via Federal Express.

I'm pausing here for dramatic effect.

Samples of bodily fluids are collected and tested to determine whether players will be allowed to continue playing and drawing outrageous salaries. Those samples are picked up by anonymous "collectors" and shipped via the same company that delivers books, computer parts and running shoes to my door.

I understand that FedEx uses state-of-the-art tracking technology and can often pinpoint exactly where your shipment is at any time. But that's a pretty weak link; once you hand a box containing urine samples to a FedEx employee who deals with thousands of parcels a week, I think you've given up the ghost on "chain of custody."

Then there's this from ESPN.com:

According to one of the sources, the collector, after getting Braun's sample, was supposed to take the sample to a FedEx office for shipping. But sources said the collector thought the FedEx office was closed because it was late on a Saturday and felt the sample wouldn't get shipped until Monday.
As has occurred in some other instances, the collector took the sample home and kept it in a cool place, in his basement at his residence in Wisconsin, according to multiple sources. 

I'm pausing again for dramatic effect.

As has occurred in some other instances? Are you kidding me? Urine samples which can determine somebody's professional fate sit in this bozo's basement not just once, but in some other instances? Talk about the weakest link in the chain.

In 1988 I was trying to get a consulting gig that paid $25 per hour. I wasn't part of a union and I didn't have a lawyer. But that testing lab used strict procedures to ensure that it could prove precisely where my urine was from the moment I sealed the container to the time that container was opened for testing.

You would think the major leagues would use procedures that are at least that strict. You would think that the major leagues would be extra cautious because they're always dealing with a pretty feisty union representing all major league players. You would think they would be careful because drug testing results could potentially ruin any player's career.

But in some instances, at least, you would be wrong.